I had discuss my recent bouts of negative thoughts while at works with several of my friends. One defied my feeling with a word that seems to hit home straight on, and that word is 'despair'
I suppose it was a combined result of my impending birthday, the less chance of seeking employment in another establishment with me getting older and the possiblity of having to answered phone for the rest of the year, when the company execute their new system which will replace the system I work on.
Earlier today, I had chat with The MD as well (the New Yorker MD, whom we stop being friend for a while over a dispute regarding C++ Complier software). He had first hand experienced with depression and after I explain my symptoms and condition to him. He forward me a link to a short quiz page on official Prozac website. I got 53 points, in which the prompt said if your score is above 50 you should print out the questions with your answers and bring it with your physicians. When I mention this to MusicMan he doubt the validity of the results, since it is Prozac owned site which might push the results a bit so they could sell more drugs. But it is also true that I did not feel well.
So The MD told me what I already suspected, that I am borderline depress. He also added that he was not sure whether my work situation as a whole cause my depression or that my depression cause all these negative feelings toward my job.
Today I feel better than how I felt yesterday, I guess it's because I had discuss my feelings with mom (although I didn't mention my depression since I doubt she would understand my condition, she is a tough woman afterall), my friends and even shed a few tears out of frustration when chatting with The MD.
Now it is halfway done before I complete my 3 days shift and having a 3 days off... I will have time to go to a manpower service. I hope this one can help me out... So far none of my friends were able to help me with a solid leads or job offering. I can't blame them though, since not all are at the position to hire people or knowing people. Right now I just NEED all the helps I can get... Sometimes it felt like I am wildly reaching for helping lines but none are tangible... At least not yet...